i freak out. a lot.

I've struggled with anxiety and panic attacks for the better part of 15 years. It absolutely sucks. The fear of a panic attack kept me from doing things I used to love. The constant anxiety affected my weight, my appearance, my mood. I generally just felt like crap...all the time. 

Anxiety affects everyone differently. For me, it was mostly things that made me look like a meth addict: panic attacks, moody, fidgeting, nail biting, insomnia and a constantly upset stomach. Now I've got kids and all that anxiety was robbing them of proper dad time. I had no energy to go outside and play, I couldn't just relax and have fun. And damnit, I couldn't pull my kid's legos apart because my fingernails were so chewed up.

I was pissed – this had to stop.

Three things happened as a result of my 9Round 'therapy sessions': 1) I got more energy; 2) my confidence improved and 3) my anxiety seemed to be in check. 

Then my friend Rance convinced me to do something even more hilarious and terrifying: signup for a triathlon. This is where things were about to completely change for me.

The mere thought of doing a triathlon was causing me serious anxiety and caused a panic attack (or two). I mean let's recap here: I hadn't been lap swimming since...EVER. My rusty mountain bike hadn't been ridden since...EVER. And I only ran every now and then. What the hell was I thinking?? 

But, like the most annoying noise in the world, that new-found confidence from 9Round started nagging me: "Yeah, you could probably do this." So I did the unthinkable: I trained for and completed two triathlons (a sprint and olympic distance) in 2015.

Training was intense...and frequent. I had to train six times a week at the butt crack of dawn...and then again in the afternoon, on some days. I had to do things that were panic-attack inducing – like wear a wetsuit and swim in the middle of Lake Hartwell; and ride my bike on a highway with traffic zipping past me at 75 mph...in bike shorts. I even had to wear a speedo in public. The humanity.

Turns out training six times a week and doing scary things all but eliminated my anxiety.

The changes were gradual over the months of training, so I almost didn't notice. But in retrospect, it's crystal clear: all that physical activity had essentially eradicated my anxiety. My mood had improved. I had stopped biting my fingernails. My appetite had improved (skyrocketed, actually). My stomach issues had vanished. I didn't have to be within arms reach of anxiety meds anymore. 

All my anxious energy was getting channelled into swimming, biking, running and punching things. Plus, all the training gave me something to focus on...something to keep me from wandering into the depths of my brain and finding stupid stuff to be anxious about. Sorry brain, no time to obsessively worry for two weeks why a client said "great" instead of "fantastic" after that big presentation.

On top of that, forcing myself to do all of those scary things on a regular basis made my irrational, panic-inducing issues seem way less scary by comparison. If I could swim a mile in the middle of a freezing lake and not die, being stuck in a traffic jam was total child's play. Seriously...being stuck in a traffic jam used to give me panic attacks. What the hell?

So now I know what it takes to control my anxiety...and it's not Xanax. It's physical activity and doing something that scares me on a regular basis.

So now I sign up for random 5ks and trail runs and 10ks and swimming events and triathlons...anything to give me a reason to stay active and push myself. Even when I'm not training for something, I'll do a less intense swim, bike or run at least four or five times a week...it's my new medication and it's working better than any pill ever did.